All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
