I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
