I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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