First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
