Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
