You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
