one word: firstdatebathroomanal
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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