One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
