So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
