Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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