At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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