remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
