no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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