That's when you crack a 10am beer
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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