You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
