I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
NoShamevember. You game?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
