It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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