I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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