the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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