she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
