Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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