Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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