Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My vagina is officially offended.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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