rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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