I wish I could teleport
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
