why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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