looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
