I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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