Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
