I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
