A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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