So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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