i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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