I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
