So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
