Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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