People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK