Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
