I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
