She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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