I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
