I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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