my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
