She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
