i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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