I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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