Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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