my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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