You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
