I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
