I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
