Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
