Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
