We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
