why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
