Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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