His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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